ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
"Hey shitlord, how are you doing?"
Well, I'm writing another Journal, so I guess I could be better. Though I have to say, there have been some really nice events in the past few days and next weekend there are more to come.
"Than how come you still feel like shit?"
Well, as I was hiking with my parents last weekend, I realized something about me and my current life:
It's not the question "What makes you sad?", but rather the question "What makes you happy?". Because despite all those nice moments I had the past days, I still couldn't help but feel depressed, miserable and bad in general. So maybe it's not that I get sad very often, maybe I AM sad and I only feel good again if something positive happens to me. So far so normal, but it seems that this state of happiness only lasts for a short time and that I return to my now 'normal' state pretty fast. Just that this 'normal' is really draining for me and my nerves. It's just that I can't really seem to get any break. Every day I feel a bit more exhausted and wonder, why I even bother trying to feel positive.
"Stop moaning and do something to make your life worth living again!"
Do something. That's said so easily. I made some changes in my life and opened up to ideas and actions I barred myself from in the past. But in the best cases that only manages to set my mind free for a day or two. But once my daily routine catches up on me everything crumbles back to dust around me.
So the big problem I have to deal with right now is raising my normal niveau to an acceptable level so that I can live a normal life again.
"So why do you waste our time with your lamenting?"
That's a good question. Maybe it makes me feel a bit less empty to write down my thoughts. Maybe it's just a way of running from actually doing something to change anything in my life. Or maybe it's something completely diferent that I haven't even thought about. But whatever the reason, I think I should come to an end now.
Maybe time will help me deal with this problem. But maybe that's just another lame excuse for doing nothing at all.
With best regards
Well, I'm writing another Journal, so I guess I could be better. Though I have to say, there have been some really nice events in the past few days and next weekend there are more to come.
"Than how come you still feel like shit?"
Well, as I was hiking with my parents last weekend, I realized something about me and my current life:
It's not the question "What makes you sad?", but rather the question "What makes you happy?". Because despite all those nice moments I had the past days, I still couldn't help but feel depressed, miserable and bad in general. So maybe it's not that I get sad very often, maybe I AM sad and I only feel good again if something positive happens to me. So far so normal, but it seems that this state of happiness only lasts for a short time and that I return to my now 'normal' state pretty fast. Just that this 'normal' is really draining for me and my nerves. It's just that I can't really seem to get any break. Every day I feel a bit more exhausted and wonder, why I even bother trying to feel positive.
"Stop moaning and do something to make your life worth living again!"
Do something. That's said so easily. I made some changes in my life and opened up to ideas and actions I barred myself from in the past. But in the best cases that only manages to set my mind free for a day or two. But once my daily routine catches up on me everything crumbles back to dust around me.
So the big problem I have to deal with right now is raising my normal niveau to an acceptable level so that I can live a normal life again.
"So why do you waste our time with your lamenting?"
That's a good question. Maybe it makes me feel a bit less empty to write down my thoughts. Maybe it's just a way of running from actually doing something to change anything in my life. Or maybe it's something completely diferent that I haven't even thought about. But whatever the reason, I think I should come to an end now.
Maybe time will help me deal with this problem. But maybe that's just another lame excuse for doing nothing at all.
With best regards
You know what?
I'm feeling pretty good, if I do say so myself.
...
What, does it always has to be depressing sarcasm in here? No! I guess I can finally truly say that I'm over it. Just as my mother said, I just needed something positive again to fill the place that has been empty and crushed for so long. Lot's of Tape and stitches, but I guess my heart looks almost good as new again.
(Here, have some depressing sarcasm again: And it is ready to be broken once again!)
But seriously now, it took me long enough to crawl through my own misery and it feels really great to come back to my happy self. It took almost two years, lots of friends, some great momen
It's an Anniversary
Today is a special day. Not historical, at least I don't think so. It's April 13th. For me, that means two things:
1. It's my birthday. I'm now wandering around this shithole we call earth for 24 years. I don't think that I have accomplished anything in my life so far and to be perfectly honest, I don't think that this will change in the next years to come. So why even bother celebrating that day in the first place?
2. Today it's exactly five months since my breakup. It happened on Friday, November 13th. I'm glad she chose that day, because a) it's Friday the 13th and something horrible like that should happen on a day like this and b) beca
A Ray of Hope
"It's always the darkest before the dawn."
In that case, it looks like my dawn might have come. It's still pretty dark around me, but at least there has been a little light in the last two weeks.
First of all and probably the most important thing is the fact that I can continue my studies in a different location. In most cases I'm able to keep my grades from before, so I won't have to start from scratch but I can start in the middle again. This way I'm able to save at least a little time without having to throw away my last 4,5 years.
A second nice thing would be the invitation of a friend of mine to join him in a Let's Play. So we recorde
Thoughts from 2 sides of 1 coin
So, for three days I'm officially unemployed. I've got some paper work to do and I'm waiting for a response on a very important decision. I can't do anything else before I receive this letter (or mail, really). So I guess I could use this spare time once again to mumble about other things that have concerned my mind.
I still haven't found any routine in my life. More than ever I find myself wondering, what I should do with my time. How have I spent my time before everything changed for me? Apparently I can't just go back. Maybe I've grown up a bit or maybe my interests have changed. But most of the time I find myself bored with the things I
© 2016 - 2024 Nazgul4
Comments1
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Welp ... I really don't know what kind of advice I could give you.
First and foremost, I'm not in your position. I can hardly know what you are feeling right now and how you're supposed to handle it.
You say you've been asking yourself what makes you happy and what makes you sad. I've once asked myself those questions as well. I felt quite miserable at that time of my life as well.
Experiencing great sadness leaves emotional scars inside oneself, I think.
It shows you that there are far deeper depths below what you knew as 'being sad'.
It brings an imbalance to how you 'feel'. At least that's how felt it.
Reaching a 'normal' level of happiness is hard and most often you just sink right back down.
That's about as much as I know myself, I have no idea how to make that imbalance go away. One probably needs a really good new expirience, like a new fullfilling love or similar to get back to equilibrium.
I haven't experienced something like that yet either, I think I'm still pretty emotional imbalanced.
So I think it's worth a shot to try and handle the situation differently.
But here stops any kind of advice, because now comes what I just did, because I'm like that. Can't tell how other people would react to it:
When I was very young, I cried a lot, like A LOT. I was, and still am, quite sensitive. I just didn't know how to handle my feelings probably.
My mum told me something quite simple and I'm sure, she didn't know what I kind of impact it had on me: "Why do you cry so much? You do not need to cry."
That kind of started a chain reaction of thoughts in my head. It is true, there is no need to cry. It's all just in my head, all those feelings and reasons for being sad. They're in the same head with which I think, conclude and handle problems.
So why can't I handle my emotions the same way?
And since that time I've been doing just that. Deconstructing and analyzing my own feelings. Making them appear like equations which have no real solution, just ways of simplifying them. Forgetting about emotional problems which I can't seem to solve.
There are still so many qustions which should give me trouble like: Should I do something about my unrequited love for Julia? Why won't the feelings ever weaken or disappear? Why can't I seem to ever find a girl which loves me back? Why am I so tired of investing time in finding a girlfriend? Have I missed too many opportunities? Did I miss to create some? Am I really not drawn to the girls who actually approach me or do I just think that all those possible relationships would fail anyways? And so on and so on ... There's probably even more, but it's late and it's difficult to remember more.
I really had forgotten most of those questions already. I only remember them when there's new data to consider solving the problem.
Otherwise I really don't think about them anymore, it just doesn't come up in my mind and it's not like there's nothing going on up there.
I'm pretty much just living a live. I when I see an opportunity to do something I like, I do it. When working, I try to not waste any time with things I don't like and instead invest my time in think I'm interested in.
All that doesn't help me to get happy. I've come to realize ... for me ... be happy is nothing I can work towards to.
I can't just 'be happy', do 'something that makes me happy' or 'make happiness my goal'.
For me; happiness comes along the way of doing what I want.
Emotions are just a bonus or a malus to life for me.
Living means doing what I want, for me. Everything else is additional and may come or may not come.
I really can't give you any proper advice. I can just share my experiences and feelings.
First and foremost, I'm not in your position. I can hardly know what you are feeling right now and how you're supposed to handle it.
You say you've been asking yourself what makes you happy and what makes you sad. I've once asked myself those questions as well. I felt quite miserable at that time of my life as well.
Experiencing great sadness leaves emotional scars inside oneself, I think.
It shows you that there are far deeper depths below what you knew as 'being sad'.
It brings an imbalance to how you 'feel'. At least that's how felt it.
Reaching a 'normal' level of happiness is hard and most often you just sink right back down.
That's about as much as I know myself, I have no idea how to make that imbalance go away. One probably needs a really good new expirience, like a new fullfilling love or similar to get back to equilibrium.
I haven't experienced something like that yet either, I think I'm still pretty emotional imbalanced.
So I think it's worth a shot to try and handle the situation differently.
But here stops any kind of advice, because now comes what I just did, because I'm like that. Can't tell how other people would react to it:
When I was very young, I cried a lot, like A LOT. I was, and still am, quite sensitive. I just didn't know how to handle my feelings probably.
My mum told me something quite simple and I'm sure, she didn't know what I kind of impact it had on me: "Why do you cry so much? You do not need to cry."
That kind of started a chain reaction of thoughts in my head. It is true, there is no need to cry. It's all just in my head, all those feelings and reasons for being sad. They're in the same head with which I think, conclude and handle problems.
So why can't I handle my emotions the same way?
And since that time I've been doing just that. Deconstructing and analyzing my own feelings. Making them appear like equations which have no real solution, just ways of simplifying them. Forgetting about emotional problems which I can't seem to solve.
There are still so many qustions which should give me trouble like: Should I do something about my unrequited love for Julia? Why won't the feelings ever weaken or disappear? Why can't I seem to ever find a girl which loves me back? Why am I so tired of investing time in finding a girlfriend? Have I missed too many opportunities? Did I miss to create some? Am I really not drawn to the girls who actually approach me or do I just think that all those possible relationships would fail anyways? And so on and so on ... There's probably even more, but it's late and it's difficult to remember more.
I really had forgotten most of those questions already. I only remember them when there's new data to consider solving the problem.
Otherwise I really don't think about them anymore, it just doesn't come up in my mind and it's not like there's nothing going on up there.
I'm pretty much just living a live. I when I see an opportunity to do something I like, I do it. When working, I try to not waste any time with things I don't like and instead invest my time in think I'm interested in.
All that doesn't help me to get happy. I've come to realize ... for me ... be happy is nothing I can work towards to.
I can't just 'be happy', do 'something that makes me happy' or 'make happiness my goal'.
For me; happiness comes along the way of doing what I want.
Emotions are just a bonus or a malus to life for me.
Living means doing what I want, for me. Everything else is additional and may come or may not come.
I really can't give you any proper advice. I can just share my experiences and feelings.