So now 5 days have past since my second life changing event bitchslapped me in the face. I've talked with some people about it and about my plans for the future. Or at least I'd like it to be that way, because I still have no idea what to do now. I wanted to start a new chapter, but I have a writer's block and I can't get my mind free.
When my grandpa died 3 years ago, I was really sad. I'm sad now, but not as much. What I am now is mad. Angry. And most of all, hurt. I've never felt so much pain in my life before. I've never hated someone as much as I do right now. And never before was I so unable to concentrate on something, because my mind just keeps going back to memories, "what if"s and moments of regret. But not even good memories. Only the ones that tear my wounds open once again (despite the fact that they aren't really closed at all). And that destroys me. I want to be a good person, I always tried my best. But I'm unable to keep up with that goal. Right now, I constantly switch between 3 states: 1. I cry, hate myself and make myself responsible for everything that has happend. I don't want to commit suicide anymore, but most of the time it's really hard to live life like that. 2. I'm outrageously furious, I shout at people (even if they haven't done anything) and just want to ram my knee into someone's face. At times like this, I know, that I'm not guilty for everything that has happend, that there are other people responsibly (not for everything though, I still made mistakes). And I just get mad at them. I know, wishing someone bad luck is childish, but in this state, it feels awesomely great to imagine bad scenarios for those people. 3. I live my life in a rather monotone and aimless way. There are hardly any things that give me any sort of joy and I just wander straight forward without really caring about what's left and right of me. I feel lonely very often, so I tell the people who are close to me that I like them more often. I also try to get hugs whenever there is an opportunity. I hope that this eventually fills the hole where my heart once was. But it doesn't. Not even for a short period of time.
20 years. My life has been ripped right out of a fairytale. There hasn't been anything really negative in my life. Then my grandpa died. That was the first real downer for me. But I eventually recovered from it. My life returned to normal and went on without any more real problems. It even turned incredibly great at 06.19.14. 23 years. That's how long it took me to see what REAL pain felt like. Feels like, it's not over yet. I don't know if that is a necessary experience everyone has to make, but I really could have lived on without that.
Living on... So I'm back at my new page, pen in hand. But I just have no idea how to start that new chapter. Though apparently I start by blogging about my personal misery. I never understood why people did that. I still don't. But for me it helps a little bit to get something out of your system. To 'talk' about it to no one in particular.
Tomorrow I return home to see my parents for the first time in 3 weeks and since I got that letter. Especially to them I feel like a big disappointment. My mom feels terrible for me because I have to suffer so much, even though she has more than enough problems of her own. I never wanted to give her a reason to suffer herself. All I ever wanted was to make other people happy, to be a good guy. But I guess life likes to punish the good. If there is such a thing as justice in this world, maybe I just have a completely different understanding of what it actually is. Maybe my opinions and point of view are so far away from the truth, that my way of thinking is completely wrong. Or maybe life is just an unfair piece of shit.
Anyway, I just felt like writing something down. Or better, I felt shitty again, so I thought I should write something. But that should be enough of my rambling for now.
PS: If you read this, try to recall what you've done back when you had a boyfriend and your best friend was feeling down and had lots of problems. What you tried to do for him, to cheer him up, to be there for him. See if you can find any similarities, especially under an 'equality' point of view. Maybe think about that for a little. Feel free to feel guilt or pain while doing so.
With best regards