"Hey shitlord, how are you doing?"
Well, I'm writing another Journal, so I guess I could be better. Though I have to say, there have been some really nice events in the past few days and next weekend there are more to come.
"Than how come you still feel like shit?"
Well, as I was hiking with my parents last weekend, I realized something about me and my current life:
It's not the question "What makes you sad?", but rather the question "What makes you happy?". Because despite all those nice moment I had the past days, I still couldn't help but feel depressed, miserable and bad in general. So maybe it's not that I get sad very often, maybe I AM sad and I only feel good again if something positive happens to me. So far so normal, but it seems that this state of happiness only lasts for a short time and that I return to my now 'normal' state pretty fast. Just that this 'normal' is really draining for me and my nerves. It's just that I can't really seem to get any break. Every day I feel a bit more exhausted and wonder, why I even bother trying to feel positive.
"Stop moaning and do something to make your life worth living again!"
Do something. That's said so easily. I made some changes in my life and opened up to ideas and actions I barred myself from in the past. But in the best cases that only manages to set my mind free for a day or two. But once my daily routine catches up on me everything crumbles back to dust around me.
So the big problem I have to deal with right now is raising my normal niveau to an acceptable level so that I can live a normal life again.
"So why do you waste our time with your lamenting?"
That's a good question. Maybe it makes me feel a bit less empty to write down my thoughts. Maybe it's just a way of running from actually doing something to change anything in my life. Or maybe it's something completely diferent that I haven't even thought about. But whatever the reason, I think I should come to an end now.
Maybe time will help me deal with this problem. But maybe that's just another lame excuse for doing nothing at all.
With best regards